Kara is the New Aunt Viv on American Idol

Remember how traumatized you were when they replaced Aunt Viv on The Fresh Prince with a different actress?  New Aunt Viv was lighter and brighter, but a thousand times less funny.  And everything she did just reminded you of how much better Old Aunt Viv was.  Case in point, I dare New Aunt Viv to do that episode about turning 40 and auditioning at the dance studio.  Forget it.

Kara’s the same way.  She’s younger and prettier than Paula, and I understand why the change was made.  But every time she tries to do some cute banter with Simon, it’s gonna feel manufactured.  Everything she does is gonna reek of effort.  Paula always looked like she showed up five minutes before taping, took two sips from the magic Coke cup, and was like whatever happens happens.  Like, Paula consistently had no idea what she’d be doing ten seconds in the future– she might be critiquing a kid, crying on his shoulder, or getting his number.  Kara, on the other hand, was always ten seconds ahead and well rehearsed.  That might help the Fox execs breathe easier, but it makes for really boring television.

I wanted to like Kara, I really did.  I oohed and smiled when she got mad and went up against Bikini Girl.  But when the cameras went live, her commentary was just… meh, not insightful.  Paula was loopy too, but every now and then she would drop a bomb on someone.  Like, a “What I’m about to say will change your life and your entire perspective on music, but you must first be willing to decipher it through slurred speech and garbled sentences like you’re reading Matrix code” bomb.  Paula had the authority of having been an actual American idol.  When she told you to wax the car, you knew you better put that guitar down and wax the car.

It’s hard to replace a dynamic like that, especially with someone like Kara, a pop singer who didn’t make it.  Even through her cheerful demeanor, there’s something depressing about it.  She’s seen the business end of the industry and it told her she wasn’t good enough.  You can’t help but wonder if there’s a hint of envy in her critiques of contestants, if she doesn’t still think about being on the other side of the table.  You can’t help but wonder how many Bikini Girls– prettier, less talented, and less inhibited– she watched get deals ahead of her.  You can’t help but notice that even as a judge, she seems conspicuously aware that she’s being judged.  Whatever heart Paula brought to the show has been replaced by Kara’s thinly-veiled industry cynicism.  Placed next to Simon’s ice-cold pragmatism, it might be too much.

But Idol goes on.  Maybe it’ll go the route of Fresh Prince.  Maybe with Old Aunt Viv gone, everyone else will be forced to step up their game and crank out some fantastic television.  Remember the episode when Will’s father came back?  Or when Uncle Phil sued Will and Carlton for rent money?  Or when Will got shot?  All those happened under the New Aunt Viv regime.  If they could make it work, maybe Idol can too.

Or maybe it’ll be like Saved by the Bell: The College Years.  Either way, I’ll still watch.

Vanessa Hudgens is naked again

Zac Efron is my hero.

Trust me, I never, never, EVER thought I’d write those words.  But when I sit down and think about it…its true.  He quite possibly is my favorite person on the face of the earth.

Why?

He dates Vannesa Anne Hudgens. She looks good.  She’s like 21 now, I think? So hopefully this guy won’t show up when I say that.  Two years ago, she decided to take, ahem…”risque” pictures of herself, for Efron.  Of course, they ended up on the internet.  The Disney PR headache ensued, due to the fact that Hudgens was in the process of filming the High School Musical movies (apparently Disney isn’t down with the young starlets being naked…who knew?).  Of course for Hudgens, the move did nothing but create a slew of publicity and got her a deal with Mark Ecko and his Ecko brand.  That brought us commercials like this.

I don’t know how Mark Ecko is still able to sell clothes either…cause that sucked…Hudgens also signed a contract with Neutrogena after the nude picture scandal, which really made me start to wonder why more actresses don’t do nude photo shoots when they’re trying to leave Disney; they get publicity, get out of the Disney spotlight and apparently get new deals.  Hard to beat that.  All of this is being said to get to this point…

Vanessa Anne Hudgens took naked pictures again.

That’s right, Vanessa Anne Hudgens is naked. Again. on a camera phone. Maybe Ecko Red sales are down, or maybe the Neutrogena Scrub Brush thingy isn’t selling as good as they want?  Maybe she wanted to make sure that Disney didn’t even bother calling her for High School Musical 4? Or maybe she has Zac Efron as her boyfriend and she’s doggedly determined to make him happy (couldn’t she just make him some pie?).  Did I mention he’s my hero?  Some pictures below. If you want the NSFW pictures go somewhere else (hint: try Egotastic)

P.S. I love this post cause now I seem like one of those guys who scowls the internet looking for naked celebrities.  I’d like to think that naked celebrities just come looking for me.  I mean, when its plastered on the front of any celebrity entertainment site I go to…its like a sexy dare…right?

Update: Apparently the pictures are old. and she may have been under 18 when they were taken…I can already see Chris Hansen setting up a sting operation in his head.

pics via wwtdd.com

P.S. apparently thumbnails hate me. click on the box and the picture is there though.

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Had Enough Heidi?

If you are like me, you pray daily that you never have to see Heidi Montag (Pratt) or Spencer Pratt, infamously dubbed Speidi, again for the rest of your life.  I thought I had a chance; I don’t watch the Hills, but was I ever wrong.  First came the stories about their alleged marriage and later came the disaster that was I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. I have had more than enough of both of them to last three lifetimes.

But now I, and you , will have to endure even more or Heidi.  In very Paris-Hilton-like fashion, Heidi is set to release a solo album, Independent (or Unleashed, based on who you talk to) ,  in September of this year.  To make matters worse, she is scheduled to perform her first single Turn Ya Head at the Ms. Universe Pageant.  Seriously, we have to hear her sing now too? People who are famous for doing nothing should stick to doing what they know best.

Avenue Culture

So…this is where we’re at in 2009? We’re giving out shows to people who are famous for a sex tape that their sister was involved in?

Popular Culture indeed.

(via Damn I’m Cute)

Good Morning Forbes

Yes, this is the girl from All That.  Yes, she has grown up.

Good Morning Forbes Avenue.

Every episode from every season of Lost is online, free and legal

This may be old news, but recently ABC realized that there’s no way to comprehend Lost without watching the first four seasons, which means picking up new viewers is next to impossible.  And those hour-long, four-season recap episodes weren’t getting the job done.  So rather than hoping people spend $35 per season box set to catch up, earlier this year ABC put every episode of Lost on their website in full streaming high-definition quality.  Free.

It was supposed to come down sometime in the spring, shortly after the season finale aired, but it looks like they’re leaving it up all summer to grab as many viewers as possible for the new season.  Also, they’re making some revenue in the process.  Every commercial break contains one or two 15-to-30-second ads– a small price to pay for on-demand viewing.

Sure, you could pay iTunes $2.99 per episode, if you think Apple needs the financial help.  You could also probably download these off some torrent website in crappy, grainy quality and infect your computer with a virus in the process.  But why?

Click here to watch every episode of Lost in HD

You may have to download ABC’s episode player.  Once you’re on the Lost page, click the “Season 5″ drop down menu to pick the season and episode you want to watch.  Oh, and don’t drag your feet on this.  These are probably coming down when the new fall season starts.

Good Old Fashion Hatin’ : Gwyneth vs. Scarlett

As everyone has to know by now, Iron Man II is currently in post-production with a planned release date of May 7, 2010.  The cast has been shaken up a bit; Don Cheadle is taking over the role of Col. James “Rhodey” Rhodes (War Machine) played in the last film by Terrence Howard,  the comeback kid, Mickey Rourke, will take on the role of Ivan Vanko (Whiplash), and last but certainly not least  Miss Scarlett Johansson will be playing Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow).  To the untrained eye these may look like great additions overall, but not so fast…

Can the movie handle having two hot leading lady on set? What is poor Pepper Potts to do? Celeb TV reported that Gwyneth Paltrow is not happy and just might boycott some of the planned publicity (including this week’s Comic-con) for Iron Man II.   I’m sure Gwyneth feels a bit threatened by the addition of the busty twenty-five year old to the franchise and this week’s cover of Entertainment Weekly with Scarlett shown front and center with the boys likely made matters worse. It’s like high school over again, the popular, all American girl, cheerleader just doesn’t know what to do when the slutty new girl transfers in and steals all of her limelight.  Come on Gwyneth, your almost 37 (ancient in dog and or female Hollywood years, unless you’re Helen Mirren of course); let’s stop the hatin’ and just be happy you’re still in A list movies.

Alice in Wonderland will be awesome

Next March, Tim Burton’s adaptation of the Disney classic Alice in Wonderland will come to theaters.  Its Tim Burton, so I already expect it to be an incredible movie (see Edward Scissorhands, for example) with lots of weird colors and great special effects.  Since I can post any of the pictures (Head over to IMDB to see those) you guys will have to make due with a blurry trailer. (via Film Drunk)

Nice. Depp as the mad hatter, Anne Hathaway (I love you!) as the white queen, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman, Crispin Glover, etc. It is a great cast, and should be a great movie.  In an era where so many movies fail to live up to their hype (Transformers 2, I’m looking at you), I really think that this movie will live up to the hype and then some.

Bruno is hilarious, but fails as social commentary

So a couple nights ago, I took the wife out to see Bruno.  Problem: Bruno is not a date movie.  Don’t be fooled by the charming commercials that contain the 30 seconds of the movie they can show on TV.  Unless your girl enjoys talking penises, elaborate S&M costumes that include toilet bowl brushes, kung fu dildo battles, and graphic man-on-pygmy action, she probably won’t enjoy Bruno.  If your girl does enjoy those things, find a new girl.

On the other hand, Bruno isn’t really a night out with the fellas either.  As funny as it is (and I couldn’t breathe at times), there aren’t enough “no homos” in the world to shield you and your boys from what can only be described as an 81-minute eyeball prison rape.  It’ll take months of fist bumps and half hugs to salvage your crew’s heterosexuality.

But like I said, Bruno is really, really funny.  The comedy doesn’t come so much from what Sacha Baron Cohen is doing, but from the fact that there is almost always somebody sitting there politely watching him do it.  Or better yet, participating.

Most of Bruno’s victims think he’s a quirky foreigner filming a legit documentary/reality show/news program for Austrian television.  So when he drops to his knees in the middle of a séance to perform oral sex on the invisible ghost of Rob Pilatus (the dead half of Milli Vanilli), rest assured someone is sitting nearby squirming, but staying politely silent, until Bruno– or rather, until Pilatus is finished.  And when Bruno asks a martial arts instructor to show him how to defend against dildo-wielding homosexuals, the sincerity with which the instructor participates, even as he’s being poked in the ear with a replica of a 12-inch black penis– on camera– is hilarious.  It’s hands down one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen.

And maybe that’s enough.  But I got the feeling that when Sacha Baron Cohen set out to make Bruno, he imagined it would not only be funny, but also serve as a social commentary of sorts, a state of our homophobia address.

The plan was this: present unsuspecting people with a gay man doing gay things, point the camera, and watch as their prejudices reveal themselves.  Unfortunately, the lengths Cohen goes to to provoke a reaction out of his victims says less about America’s feelings towards gays and more about our feelings towards people who are annoying, disruptive, and vulgar.  Cohen’s Bruno isn’t so much a gay man doing gay things as he is a gay man doing extremely obnoxious things.  And it’s the extreme obnoxiousness that undercuts whatever point he’s trying to make.

For example, there’s a scene where Bruno and his male companion walk through the middle of a street protest by a virulently anti-homosexual “Christian” group.  But it’s not enough for Bruno and friend to just be a gay couple walking down the street.  They are naked and chained to each other with the aforementioned S&M leather and chains outfit.  And when even that fails to provoke a reaction– believe it or not, the group seems to mostly ignore them– Bruno grabs someone’s sign and tries to make off with it.

What that says about homophobia and what insights it gives us into one of the most homophobic organizations in America amounts to exactly nothing.  And the reason is because you could walk through a gay pride parade in the exact same outfits, doing the exact same thing, grab somebody’s sign, and get the exact same outraged reaction.  For most of the stunts Bruno and his partner perform, you don’t have to be homophobic to be disgusted or annoyed by what they’re doing.  And that’s the problem.  It doesn’t make you homophobic to not want to see a talking, dancing penis.

So in the end, Bruno is a comedy– and like I said, maybe that’s good enough– that will teach you little and entertain you greatly.  If there’s any lesson at all, it’s that Americans are generally pretty polite until you drop your pants and start poking them with a dildo.

New This Week on DVD

 July 21, 2009

Coraline

PG – Thematic elements, scary images, some language and suggestive humor

Director – Henry Selick Starring – Dakota Fanning, Teri Hatcher, Jennifer Saunders, Dawn French, & Ian McShane

Theater Release Date – February 6, 2009

Special Features – Includes both 2-D and 3-D versions, director and composer commentary

Length – 1 hour 41 mins.

Cover Synopsis – “Coraline Jones is bored in her new home until she finds a secret door that leads her into a world that’s just like her own… but better! But when this fantastical adventure turns dangerous and her ‘other’ Mother tries to keep her forever, Coraline must count on her resources and bravery to get home.”

Ratings - Rotten Tomatoes: 7.6/10, 88%    IMDB: 8.0/10

 

 

Watchmen

 R – Strong Graphic Violence, sexuality, nudity, and language

Director – Zack Snyder

Starring – Billy Crudup, Matthew Goode, Carla Gugino, Jackie Earle Haley, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Patrick Wilson

Theater Release Date – March 6, 2009 Length – 2 hours 42 mins.

Cover Synopsis – “Someone’s killing our super heroes. The year is 1985 and super heroes have banded together to respond to a murder of one of their own. They soon uncover a sinister plot that puts all of humanity in grave danger. The super heroes fight to stop the impending doom, only to find themselves a target for annihilation. But if our super heroes are gone, who will save us?.”

Ratings - Rotten Tomatoes: 6.2/10, 64%  IMDB: 7.9/10